What follows is a copy of an interview by a Portuguese magazine ‘Sabado’  20 years ago, where Tony had delivered a lecture at Porto University Law school, to an audience of Ministers of Justice, Lawyers, magistrate judges, and law students. Tony received a copy of the mag but had never managed to get it translated until now. Portugal, like Spain, where he also lectured, had not at that stage established mediation.

Tony Whatling

Born in Scotland 66 years ago, Tony Whatling is one of the leading experts in family mediation, a conflict resolution method that helps couples resolve their disagreements amicably. He was Director of the Department of Social Work Education at Ruskin Anglia University, Cambridge, in the U.K. Married for 42 years with two children, in his spare time he enjoys boats and DIY project.

More and more couples are turning to family mediation. Tony Whatling, an expert in the field, reveals the main causes of marital problems and suggest how to resolve them, drama-free.

The recipe seems simple: when a couple reaches breaking point, it’s best to have both parties sit at the same table and try to understand each other’s needs, rather than entering the traditional legal battlefield, which usually means everyone loses. Children are among those most affected by marital conflicts. Over his 15 years of experience in family mediation, Tony Whatling has seen it all – from family members losing everything they own in order to cover legal expenses, to couples still in love with each other falling out because of interfering mothers-in-law. He believes that the best approach is to follow a few simple rules. Bring people together, identify what divides them, and draw up a list of possible solutions without favouring any side or suggesting any one course of action. Statistics show that the method is effective: 75% of couples reach an agreement, whether it leads to reconciliation or an amicable separation.

It might sound simple, but it requires properly trained professionals to apply clear guidelines. This mission has taken Tony Whatling to every corner of the world to learn more. He was recently in Portugal, where family mediation is starting to take its first steps, with support from the Aga Khan Foundation. “I don’t want to compete with lawyers or psychologists. However, mediators can help to simplify matters and save couples considerable suffering,” he says.

What is the approach that family mediators take to resolve conflicts?

Mediators are not arbitrators; they don’t take sides. They draw up a list of options that can resolve conflicts after listening to both parties. This method is not exclusive to couples going through a breakup; it can be used to resolve workplace issues, neighbour disputes, complaints about public services, among other situations.

What training do family mediation professionals undergo?

Professionals come from a range of backgrounds. Many are from the social sciences, and there are also psychologists, sociologists, social workers and lawyers.

When parents decide to separate or divorce, what’s the best way to tell children?

The explanation should be tailored to the age of the child. Studies show that children know when something is not right between their parents. Even when parents try to hide their difficulties, children realise what’s going on, they hear the arguments, and this can cause them significant anxiety. One thing should always be explained: even if parents do get divorced, they will never divorce their children. Children are scared of this.

What other fears do children have?

Children will always be scared about what might happen. They often feel responsible for the divorce. They might even sometimes link their behaviour to their parents’ separation, thinking, “If I had behaved better, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

Do parents realise this?

Often, parents lose sight of their priorities and what’s best for their children. They’re only interested in tallying up the amount of time they get to spend with the kids. Mediators can ask to meet with the children right from the beginning of the process, giving them someone else to talk to outside of the family environment. One thing is crucial: never ask the children which parent they want to stay with, or if they want to spend more time with one or the other.

Are divorced men increasingly claiming their rights as fathers? Is the judicial system prepared for this change?

It’s a very complex issue. I believe that fathers who are prevented from seeing their children as an act of retaliation by their former partners are in the minority. However, it’s true that courts tend to find more arguments in favour of the mother. This can be a real problem when the mother is determined to punish her former partner using the children, especially in cases of adultery or when the man has moved out of the family home. The courts face a terrible dilemma, but they usually decide in favour of the mother due to societal pressure. Judges should really start from the principle that custody should be shared 50% by each parent.

What are the main bureaucratic problems affecting couples who want to divorce?

One of the major barriers is figuring out what happens to the couple’s money, property, and assets.

Do you find the same kind of problems in both rich and poor families?

It’s the same in families from different social backgrounds. The only difference is that some couples fight over large fortunes, and others fight over debts. This is a major problem in low-income families who can have numerous credit card debts.

What other kinds of problems are there?

It’s the person who takes care of the children who usually keeps the family home, leaving the ex-partner homeless, and it’s never easy to deal with these situations.

Are there any simple rules that help make these conflicts less painful?

Insults and acts of retaliation are common and so what mediators try to do is turn the exchange of threats into positive dialogue, understanding each party’s needs.

How does that work?

Most of the time, the couple have a lot of the same needs. So what we do is create a list of what each person requires. For example, taking care of the children, not spending money on lawyers and courts. Couples often lose all their joint assets when they get involved in a legal battle. What we do is focus on the positive aspects and the needs of each one.

Is it common to have conflicts over minor issues, such as bathroom hygiene or who washes the dishes?

It is very common to see marriages falling apart over the small things. It takes a lot of compromise when a couple starts living together. At the point when we fall in love, we forget about that part, which can be really tough. Each person has to compromise and let go of numerous things. Lots of people can’t handle this and break up, even if they are still in love, over such trivial things as the toothbrush being in the wrong place.

How can you overcome that?

Some couples argue over these kinds of things, but even if they don’t reach an agreement, the argument itself can be beneficial for the couple. Others don’t argue but show their displeasure physically, slamming doors or giving dirty looks, and it’s situations like these that put the relationship at greater risk.

Is it common to find couples who love each other but have such deep sexual differences that they end up separating?

If the differences are significant, the couple usually remains together only when they seek sexual therapy. There’s a big difference between attraction and love. Sometimes, the relationship evolves into a special kind of companionship where sex is not so important. However, the opposite also happens: there are couples in their 70s or 80s where sex remains an essential part of the relationship.

Who seeks family mediation more, men or women?

Women. They are generally the ones who try to keep the family together.

What can be done when other elements around the couple, like in-laws or friends, cause problems?

When a family mediator identifies external individuals causing problems for the couple’s relationship, it’s necessary to bring those people into the meetings. Often, they’re the ones who are fuelling the arguments.

And how about interfering mothers-in-law?

That’s a good example. Mothers-in-law can be behind numerous arguments. When one member of the couple is emotionally involved with someone else, we also invite that person to the meetings.

What is the success rate of family mediation?

Around 75% of couples reach an agreement, whether it’s for an amicable separation or an attempt at reconciliation.

Does religion still hold any sway?

Yes, even couples who don’t attend religious services are influenced by the same set of religious moral values regarding marriage. This is particularly serious for some couples who feel pressurised to stay together, even when they no longer get along, and when divorce would be preferable.

You mentioned that the mediation method can be applied in other situations. What are the most common?

The method can be successfully used in complaints against healthcare services and medical negligence, and it can also be used in resolving problems between neighbours. In this case, the most common complaints are about noise, pets, children making mischief, and disputes over parking spaces.

Are those simple to resolve?

They can lead to significant conflict, but mediators can resolve a lot of things. I know of cases where, after mediation, neighbours have got together and even managed to persuade local authorities to build more parks for example.